Tired of Being Too Tired for Sex

By guest blogger Rosie Vega

When I first heard about Mission Ignition, I thought maybe it wasn’t for me, because I don’t feel like the zing is gone in my sex life with my husband. We are both still madly in love after 30 years of marriage, and we have passionate, unboring sex. But I have to admit that the frequency has gone down in the past couple of years — which I never believed it would! — from an average of three times a week to an average once or twice every couple of weeks. I don’t think we’ve ever gone as long as three weeks without making love. But maybe we have. I have attributed this to a work-life balance and fatigue issue more than a low libido issue. But maybe if I increased my libido – or lowered my cortisol level– I wouldn’t let too many days go by!

Mentally and emotionally the desire is always there for both of us, and we are physically and verbally affectionate every day. We always cuddle and talk in bed at the end of each day, and often fall asleep entwined. When we make love, there’s lots of foreplay, variety and fireworks. So I’m not bored or craving more excitement. But I am disappointed that frequency has decreased, and that we have let our busy, stressful working lives crowd out our happy sex life.

For almost three years, since the global financial crisis hit, we have both been getting by as freelance writers and editors. So that means we don’t knock off work at 5 o’clock. We’re working nights and weekends, too, afraid to ever turn down an assignment because we need every paycheck to provide for our family, especially with one kid in private school and the other away at in college. So often I don’t get upstairs to the bedroom till after 11 p.m., and my husband is watching Jon Stewart. We’ve gotten into the habit of using late-night TV to wind down. And once we turn off the lights, all we crave is sleep. We should have listened to sex guru Dr. Ruth Westheimer, who insisted couples should never have a TV in the bedroom!

Our bedroom also shares a wall with our daughter’s room, and once she got to be a teenager who stays up as late as we do, it affected my husband’s willingness to engage in any activity that she might hear next door. When she was younger and went to sleep at 8:30, her nearby presence was no hindrance. The good news is she goes to a lot of sleepovers on the weekends, so we have more freewheeling fun those nights.

I may have inadvertently messed things up when I instituted a rule a few years ago: No sex after midnight. For a while, it worked as an incentive. But now it seems as if Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert get the attention 11 to 11:30 or 11:45 and then after turning off the TV and having some extended pillow talk, if we start to get amorous, he’ll say, “It’s so late, I guess we better get to sleep since we have to get up at 6:30.”

I hate to make it sound as if he’s the decider. But there does seem to be a slight seduction imbalance. If I cozy up to him and he’s tired, there’s no way Jose. But if he cozies up to me, I can usually easily be convinced!

I have been fascinated this week to learn from Dr. Sara about all the things that could be affecting my sex drive and my energy level. At her suggestion, I decided to try cutting out caffeine. I usually only have one cup a day—a café au lait, half coffee, half low-fat milk. Doesn’t seem excessive to me. But I can cut it out. Although I was pretty sleepy at work today (I recently got a part-time job, but still freelance at night). I had a big glass of water  around 3 p.m. – the dragging hour — and that helped. In the spring I cut out alcohol for six weeks, hoping it would help me lose weight (I have about 25 pounds to lose), but it didn’t make a significant difference. I only usually have half glass to a glass of wine with dinner, but it definitely triggers hot flashes, so I have more reasons than one to give it up. Who knew it could be good for my sex life?

I bought flax seeds today at the health food store, too. Good for the adrenals, right? Guess I’m up for anything. My life has definitely gotten out of balance from working 24/7, stressing about finances, being constantly underslept and dodging hot flashes. If a new regimen can help my hormone balance and help me get back to my previous lifestyle of lots of spontaneous passionate sex all the time, then it’s way worth it.

Rosie is taking Mission Ignition, the ecourse Dr. Sara offers to help women feel re-ignited with vitality and libido using natural hormone balancing. For more info, go to http://www.saragottfriedmd.com/mission-sex-drive/  All sessions are recorded and available for you to listen at your convenience.

BTW, flax seeds were shown to reduce hot flashes by 57%. 


  1. Michelle on October 28, 2011 at 2:32 pm

    Thanks for sharing, Rosie! I am inspired by the fact that you are still so much in love with your husband after 30 years. Sounds like the simple shifts you can make through this course will make a big difference for you. Kudos to you for taking this step for yourself. Please keep us posted on your results!